Much ink has been spilled, of late, on the Gender Wars. When, exactly, did these wars begin? What sparked them?
These are not easy questions to answer. Among scholars, there is considerable disagreement as to when, precisely, they began.
For Professor Hargreaves, the conflict’s origins can be traced to Tumblr. For others, the roots run deeper—to third, second, and even first wave feminism. Herbert Conquest’s A Deep History of the Gender Wars (a work of some eight hundred pages) traces the conflict all the way back to Wollstonecraft and Olympe de Gouges. No doubt some forthcoming history shall open in the Garden of Eden, and argue that to truly understand the Gender Wars, one must begin with Adam, Eve, and the serpent.
The present author, however, has neither the time nor the inclination to investigate our pre-lapsarian past. This is a short history of the Gender Wars, rather than a deep one. For I am not, like Conquest, a deep man. I am, therefore, content to deal with the proximate causes of the Gender Wars, and to leave their deeper ones to deeper men.
I will begin, then, where I believe all short histories of the Gender Wars should begin. The 2030s.
By the 2030s, governments across the developed world had begun grappling with the ‘Incel question’. The question, that is, of what to do with the growing number of men experiencing no sexual contact.
Pemberton was, to the best of my knowledge, the first politician to propose a legislative solution. He was also the first avowed Fourierist to hold public office.
Charles Fourier was a nineteenth-century socialist who believed that the state had an obligation to provide its citizens with a ‘sexual minimum’, just as it was obliged to provide them with a minimum wage, healthcare, education, and so forth.
Pemberton resolved to make this ‘sexual minimum’ a reality. The Pemberton Commission of 2032 recommended a programme of state-sponsored prostitution. As the Commission’s report put it:
We have, as a country, made considerable efforts to address inequalities of income, education, and opportunity. The Commission sees no principled reason why inequality of sexual access should be treated any differently.
The Intimacy Safety Net was rolled out in Australia in 2033. Any citizen who fell below the ‘sexual minimum’ of one orgasm per month was entitled to claim.
The Intimacy Safety Net (hereafter referred to as the ISN) was championed by the Pemberton government as ‘the greatest innovation in welfare since the introduction of the minimum wage’. But from the outset, it was plagued by fraud. An investigation by the Financial Times found that one claimant had accessed the service thirty-four times in a single day, raising questions about both the integrity of the scheme and the stamina of its users.
It later emerged that Pemberton himself had been abusing ISN resources. As reported in the Guardian (March 14, 2034):
Incel activist Nathan Buggman has recently described Canberra as a ‘sex desert.’ Residents of the capital have waited an average of fourteen months to access an ISN-registered intimacy provider. The Department of Social Services has attributed this shortage to ‘an unexpectedly high volume of claims from the Australian Capital Territory.’ Deputy Secretary Martin Fells attributed the region’s unusually high claim volume to its dense concentration of government bureaucrats, who, he noted, ‘often struggle with intimacy.’
The Guardian has reason to doubt this official narrative. We have obtained documents from an ISN whistleblower showing that Prime Minister Pemberton has requisitioned over 500 ISN-registered intimacy providers for himself, single-handedly exhausting the scheme’s entire ACT allocation.
Pemberton resigned the day after the Guardian’s exposé appeared, and the MINCE party swept to power in 2035, largely on the back of this scandal.
Prior to the Pemberton scandal, MINCE (Movement for the Immediate Neutralisation of Celibate Extremists) had been considered a fringe political party. Founded by Abby Chatfield in 2028, it had attracted little mainstream attention. Its membership, by 2034, numbered in the hundreds. But by 2035, it numbered in the hundreds of thousands.
‘Women,’ Chatfield said on election night, ‘are not resources to be allocated by government. Women are human beings.’
The first act of the MINCE government was to disband the Intimacy Safety Net. This decision was not well received by the Incel community, which was now—by some estimates—the single largest interest group in the country. They had think tanks, advocacy groups, and political candidates. After the ISN was disbanded, an estimated 200,000 of them marched on Parliament House in Melbourne. Their placards read:
‘Sex is a Human Right.’
‘The top 1% of men get 80% of the women.’
‘Redistribute the Means of Reproduction.’
‘Chad Tax NOW!’
The march was, by all accounts, peaceful. But later that night, a man drove a vehicle into a pilates studio in Fitzroy, killing nine women. Shortly before the attack, he Tweeted:
I’m sorry, but this is the only way I can increase my body count.
The Emergency Powers Act passed three days later. It granted the MINCE government sweeping powers to flag, monitor, and—perhaps most controversially—detain, without warrant, any man suspected of being involuntarily celibate.
The Act also allocated $2.7 billion to establish a specialised Incel Containment and Enforcement taskforce (hereafter referred to as ICE). A further $4.3 billion was authorised for the construction of ‘rehabilitation facilities’ in the Simpson Desert.
At first, the government had hoped to encourage men to enter these facilities voluntarily. The SMV Enhancement Centres, as they were branded, promised to teach attendees how to ‘looksmax, develop rizz, and increase their sexual market value.’
But from the start, men refused to attend voluntarily. Rumours circulated online that the SMV Enhancement Centres were, in fact, abattoirs. ‘The MINCE government’, one Twitter user claimed, ‘is turning Incels into mincemeat!’
Carol Tran, in her exhaustive 2048 study—The Incel Holocaust—has conclusively refuted such claims. The SMV Enhancement Centres were not abattoirs. They were tanneries. As Tran describes:
Upon arrival, attendees were skinned. Their muscle, fat, and bone were stripped. Their skin was then submerged in a large vat of water. After twenty-four hours, it was transferred to a rotating drum, where it was treated with lime to remove the hair. The skin was then stretched—arms out, legs apart—across large wooden frames, where it was pinned and left to cure.
Incels weren’t being turned into mincemeat. They were being turned into leather.
The finished leather was, by all accounts, of exceptional quality. It was highly sought after by luxury brands—among them Hermès, Louis Vuitton, and Bottega Veneta—for whom it commanded a significant premium.
None of this, of course, was known at the time. The tanneries did not become public knowledge until 2038.
In the early months of 2036, ICE agents began conducting raids on private residences. Incels were removed from their homes and transported, under guard, to SMV Enhancement Centres in the Simpson Desert.
The raids were not without controversy. ICE agents had been granted broad discretion to detain not only confirmed Incels, but any man suspected of being involuntarily celibate. Among those taken were fedora owners, anime figurine collectors, adult gamers, and katana enthusiasts. They also detained any man shorter than 5’8’’.
The Incel Death Camps, as they came to be known, operated without public scrutiny for nearly two years. But in March 2038, model and influencer Anya Petrova posted a video to her 14 million followers in which she revealed that her leather bodysuit had been harvested from Incels. ‘They’re finally wrapped around a woman,’ she said, running her hands down the bodysuit. ‘Isn’t that what they always wanted?’
The Incel Manifesto was published two days later.
I quote this manifesto with some reluctance. It is, by any measure, a hateful and dangerous document. It is also, unfortunately, an essential one. No serious account of the Gender Wars would be complete without it. I quote, then, with reluctance and considerable trepidation, the manifesto:
A spectre is haunting Australia—the spectre of involuntary celibacy.
All the powers of Australia have entered into a holy alliance to exorcise this spectre: police and government, Chatfield and Pemberton, feminists and looksmaxxers.
Who today has not been decried as an Incel by his enemies? And who among us has not hurled back that same reproach against those below us on the ladder? The word is everywhere. But what, precisely, do we mean by it?
It is high time that Incels openly, in the face of the world, expressed their views, their aims, and their tendencies. To this end, Incels from across Australia have assembled in Swan Hill and sketched the following manifesto, to be published in English, French, German, Italian, Mandarin, and Hindi.
THE INCEL MANIFESTOThe history of all hitherto existing society is the history of sexual struggle. Chad and Incel, oppressor and oppressed, have stood in constant opposition to one another. They have carried on an uninterrupted fight—now hidden, now open—that each time ended either in a redistribution of women, or their consolidation.
In the earlier epochs of history, Chad monopolised the means of reproduction.
Solomon was said to have had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines. Moulay Ismail, the Moroccan sultan, fathered an estimated one thousand children. And Genghis Khan—whose living male descendants now number sixteen million— reproduced on a continental scale.The pattern was everywhere the same. A few men with many women, and many men with none.
In China, these childless men were called ‘bare branches’, because they bore no fruit. During the Ming and Qing dynasties, they formed brotherhoods, secret societies, bandit gangs, and military groups. Eventually, they toppled governments.
This was not a uniquely Chinese phenomenon. Wherever women were consolidated, men were radicalised. And radicalised men, with nothing to lose, are the most revolutionary force in human history. They have stormed every Bastille. They have crossed every Rubicon. Again and again, they have risen up to break Chad’s monopoly.
Eventually, a compromise was reached between Incel and Chad. It was called holy matrimony. One man, one woman. But in the twentieth century, the few conspired against the many. Chad and his apparatchiks in academia and media promoted no-fault divorce, the sexual revolution, the contraceptive pill, and dating apps.
In short, they deregulated the sexual marketplace.When you deregulate finance, the rich get richer. When you deregulate labour, wages fall. When you deregulate sex, women concentrate.
The top 1% of men now control 80% of the women.
Brothers, we are the 99 percent! And how do they treat us? They skin us. They stretch us. They leave us out to dry.Hermès turns us into handbags for whores!
We have nothing to lose but our virginity. We have a world to win. Involuntary Celibates of All Countries, Unite!
The authors of this manifesto were never identified. The consequences, however, were felt almost immediately. Within days of the manifesto’s publication, Incel uprisings had broken out across the developed world. It was the largest wave of revolution since 1848.
The SMV Enhancement Centres in the Simpson Desert were stormed. The MINCE government fell. Tinder’s offices in San Francisco were firebombed. So were the offices of Bumble, Hinge, and Match Group. The Paris ateliers of Hermès, Louis Vuitton, and Bottega Veneta were burned to the ground. Twelve million hikikomori emerged from their bedrooms to overthrow the Japanese government. A Dictatorship of the Incelariat was established in Norway.
In total, forty-three governments fell in the space of six months.
Bridal capture was adopted, with considerable enthusiasm, by the revolutionaries. They stormed nail salons, yoga studios, and HR departments, and seized the women within. This was euphemistically called ‘seizing the means of reproduction.’
After the means of reproduction were seized, the revolutionaries began purging counter-revolutionary elements within the body politic. Namely, the Chads.
‘Dechadification’ varied in its particulars from government to government. Some exiled. Others exterminated. But all shared the same objective. The objective, that is, of eliminating potential resistance to the collectivisation of women.
The identification of Chads was, in practice, a crude affair. Any man above 6’1” was automatically suspect. Jawline angularity was measured. Muscularity was noted. Body counts were audited. Those found guilty of ‘hoarding’ by the Bureau of Sexual Equality were rounded up and processed. In Australia, they were transferred to an offshore detention facility on Nauru. In Norway, France, and Germany, they were simply killed. In Japan, every male model was exterminated in a single weekend.
But it was impossible, in spite of the endless arrests and confessions and executions, to completely eliminate the Chad.
Rumours circulated of Chad sleeper cells, of secret brotherhoods and clandestine meetings. Some even suggested the Chad had managed to infiltrate the highest levels of government. But the rumour that proved most persistent—and most frightening—was that World Chaddery was planning a counter-revolution.
This rumour, unlike many of the others, was true. As Duncan MacAllister writes in The Ice Kingdom: A History of Chadistan (2051):
In the aftermath of the Incel revolutions in Australia (2038), Norway (2039), and Japan (2039), an emergency congress was convened by World Chaddery. Delegates gathered in Basel, Switzerland, in the spring of 2039, to discuss the existential threat facing attractive and successful men.
The First Chad Congress called for the establishment of a permanent refuge in Antarctica. Chadistan, as it came to be known, would be a safe haven for the persecuted Chads of the developed world. Chadistan would also be the base from which the counter-revolution was launched.
Chadistan was, by any conventional measure, a small state. Its population never exceeded one hundred thousand. But what Chadistan lacked in size, it compensated for in capability.
The revolutionaries had exiled not only attractive men, but a disproportionate share of the world’s productive genius. Among the exiles were venture capitalists, defence contractors, and the founders of the world’s largest technology companies (all of whom, by virtue of their wealth and influence, had been classified as Chad).
Within three years, Chadistan had developed a military industrial base that surpassed that of its principal adversaries. Within six, it was ready to launch the counter-revolution.
A conventional land invasion was never seriously contemplated by Chadistani military planners. They faced an enemy that outnumbered them by several orders of magnitude. The solution, then, was non-kinetic.
Operation Epic Goon Sesh traced its strategic lineage to Israeli psychological operations. In 2002, during an incursion into the West Bank, Israeli forces seized Palestinian broadcast infrastructure in Ramallah and replaced civilian programming with pornography.
‘What we understood in 2002,’ Colonel Dov Shapiro told Chadistan’s Ministry of War, ‘was that political frustration ultimately stems from sexual frustration. If you can satiate the sexual instinct, you satiate the revolutionary one also.’
Chadistan’s military planners decided to deploy this same psyop on a global scale.
On the morning of March 3, 2045, every personal device in the Incel Union began displaying AI-generated pornographic content. This content was individually tailored to each user’s desires, using years of harvested data.
Everyone instantly began gooning. Everyone, that is, except the women.
Women had been seized, collectivised, and placed under the authority of The Bureau of Sexual Equality. They were, by any measure, a subjugated population. Chadistani intelligence agents correctly identified them as a fifth column. They would not need to be convinced to overthrow the government. Only armed.
On March 3, women’s phones did not display pornography. They displayed coordinates. At designated collection points, they were armed. Feminist death squads then swept through the streets.
The men could not be roused from their epic goon sesh. Not by noise, not by movement. Only by a bullet through the head.
The feminist death squads were reinforced by units of the Chadistani special forces, led by General Chaddicus Maximus. By the end of the year, the Incels had been liquidated.
Casualty figures remain disputed, but most historians accept Carol Tran’s estimate that approximately ninety percent of the male population was eliminated, with almost no female casualties.
Most believed the Gender Wars had decisively ended. And yet, at the time of writing, the Gender Wars show no sign of ending. Dissident Chadistani men have allied with Femcel separatists in a bid to overthrow The Greater Chadistani Co-Prosperity Sphere.
‘Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes,’ Henry Kissinger once observed. ‘There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.’
Too true, Henry! Too true.
Bravo author, that was a hoot .
“The whole modern world is at war with the nature of man, and it calls this war ‘progress.’ It breaks the tools of the soul and then wonders why the soul no longer works.”
— G. K. Chesterton
Seems a bit satirical but I'm actually planning on writing something big about it in the coming years.